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[16 Jun 2007|06:12pm] |
Well, it's been a month since I've updated. Usually, that means I've been doing poorly. That is half true. I did pretty well for the first couple of weeks this past month and made it down to a new current low weight. But due to a string of events, I've been eating rather crap lately. In total for June, I've gained at least half a pound... probably more because I've been binging every day since this last weigh in...
But anyway, I haven't completely given up on my goals. I've bought some work out videos this past month. I even used one of them, despite my shitty eating (moving out of that all-or-nothing mentallity, hurrah). I bought a yoga video that claimed to be for beginners but was rather advanced... for skinny, super-flexible beginners? Oh well. The bad thing is that I can't return it... but I guess I can rent from the library until I find a better one. I have devised a 4-week work out plan for myself. It involves the treadmill every day and then either a 'toning'/dance or aerobics video (I love how the 'toning' videos do NOT involve weights, etc) or yoga video on alternating days. It's interesting, but before, where the idea of being muscular bothered me.. after watching some of the women in these videos, maybe I'd like that. I don't think I'd work too hard at that specifically, but if it happened, it might be a happy accident.
But that will have to wait - I leave for NYC at 3:00 AM tonight. I'm not as in shape as I wanted to be before this trip, but that's okay. This means I won't be updating again for about ~2.5 weeks. I am looking forward to losing weight on the trip... because I will not really have the opportunity to binge and I think that we will be somewhat active each day. I will be probably be eating out a good deal... but that's okay. I'm not going to let diet or weight issues limit my experience, so I might not always make the lowest-cal choices while I'm there, but that's fine. I'm really motivated for when I come back, though. Working out every day and eating well... the lbs will really drop off! I think I am only about 17lbs away from my summer goal already.
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[14 May 2007|12:32pm] |
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last weigh-in: 188
today’s weigh-in: 182.8
-5.2
current goal: lose 25lbs
lbs to go: 19.8
Weigh in today was surprisingly pleasant. I knew that I’d done pretty well eating-wise, but I hadn’t expected it to be this good. My scale got a bit iffy on me though – it came up with 2 different numbers before consectively setting on 182.8. It hasn’t done that to me before, I hope that nothing’s wrong with it.
I’m right on track. I expect to lose 2lbs a week after this. I realized that for the whole month of March I actually gained weight and in April I only lost 1.4lbs, so I’m guessing this week’s big loss is because my body is just now adjusting to really eating well and losing again. I am back to my lowest current weight again (lw since starting this effort in Jan). I have not seen the 170’s in a long time. Maybe I only saw them once, because I know that when I was gaining all of this weight, I wasn’t too keen on weighing myself.
I have not worked out since Tuesday. It’s been a strange and busy past week, but I think that most of my reluctance to get on that treadmill comes from fatigue. I work every day of the week & have classes 5 days a week, so it’s hard to get up in the morning – I am desperate for that extra hour of sleep! Or when I come home - too busy or just finally wanting to relax. But I need to do it, if not to lose weight, then to make traveling around NYC in only (!!) a month easier.
Oh, another discovery I have had that makes things easier: sample sizes!! I was tempted to try out the new raspberry shake at work last week, when my boss offerred me a sample. I immediately said no. It’s a reflex. It comes from being fat in stigmatizing society & trying to lose weight at the same time. But then it hit me. Why would I say no to two sips of a shake but think it could be okay to order the whole thing later? I’m glad I did try it – it tasted like crap. Had I ordered it, I probably would have consumed the whole thing for various reasons, but since I tried it out beforehand, my curiousity was satisfied, and I knew that it wasn’t worth it. I think that this can be applied to tastier things, too. I just need to get over my all-or-nothing mentality that is so common among EDs of any kind. Having two sips of a shake can satisfy that curiousity or desire without screwing me over like having the whole thing would.
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[08 May 2007|09:40pm] |
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Every addiction, she said,
was just a way to treat this same problem.
Drugs or overeating or alcohol or sex,
it was all just another way to find peace.
To escape what we know.
Our education. Our bite of the apple.
-Choke
Today I had a very important interview for an internship and I got it! I start in two months. Enough time to lose some weight and buy more professional clothes… I will be working in a rehab center, so let’s hope that’s not triggering.
I managed to get my work out in this morning, as well. It is still pretty difficult for me. Definitely not fun… I’m really looking forward to when it will be easier. How long does it usually take to notice a difference?
I ate out this evening, but for once it wasn’t so bad. I had Indian food for the first time. My husband, being from England, is really into the stuff. It definitely didn’t seem as bad as most eating out experiences are for healthy eating.
I want to get more into cooking and learning about/enjoying new and different foods. I just wish I had the time. At least this summer might be easier. It better be! I am also looking to change what I eat to healthier versions, so I have a few questions…
Does anyone know of a good website or book that discusses nutritional needs & how to eat healthier? Like with pasta, how do I find stuff that isn’t enriched? And is skim or non-fat milk any less nutritious for you than the the whole fat stuff, or is it just the calorie/fat content that varies?
Healthy food changes I have made so far: switching to brown eggs, non-fat milk (I actually used to only drink non-fat/skim, but then I realized how good whole was & it went downhill from there…), making sure the bread is not only wheat but made w/ whole wheat flour (I didn’t know until recently that enriched flour is actually crap for you), I plan to start using brown rice once I run out of the old stuff, if I can find it (for some reason when I was looking for alternatives, all I could ever find was 5 different brands of the same enriched white rice?), making sure that the other flour-based products I buy are also made with whole wheat flour (like pancake mix & english muffins), using unbleached flour.
Also, for cooking/baking, does using whole wheat flour v. white flour really make a difference? Same for substituting apple sauce for oil… does this work in all baked goods, and still taste the same?
Anyway, any suggestions are very much appreciated. : )
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[07 May 2007|11:42pm] |
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Fat chick enters store and then leaves immediately.
Dad: What's wrong?
Fat chick: I'm too fat and poor to shop here.
-overheardinnewyork.com
Today I did well. This is my ‘first day back’ if you will. But not only did I achieve my eating goals of the past… I also incorporated exercise in a way that I never did before. I woke up this morning and got my work out in before classes! It was a surprise to me all day when I looked over at the treadmill and realized that I’d already taken care of that, haha. I have never been good at exercising regularly, especially now that I am in college - when I come home, I am already exhausted. But doing it before I have a chance to make excuses or feel too shitty is great. I plan on working out each morning 4x a week. The other 3 days require me to get up too early for it to really be feasible… but I’m confident that I can manage to work out in the evening 3 times a week.
My body is definitely still used to being fed too often and too much (and boy, did it have a hard time adjusting to that when I first fell off track). I will probably be eating more, or more often, this week than I will in the future… but that’s okay, because I am going to do whatever I can to make this work for me. As long as I avoid triggering foods, I should be okay (which are foods that I basically should not be eating much of the time anyway if I want to be healthy).
My goal is to lose 25 lbs by the time summer is over (5 months from now). This should be easy enough if I just lose 1.5lbs a week. However, it also gives me a bit of leeway in case something does happen. I’m not sure how I’ll make out weight-wise for those two weeks I’ll be in New York, for example. I haven’t made a goal since starting this effort… other than vague ideas of what I would like to look like at the end of this journey, so hopefully having one like this will help.
Oh, and today I saw myself on video. A video that was being shown to the whole class… (not that they can’t see how fat I am on a daily basis anyway, but…) I am so short and round! Good motivation… although I really don’t want to base my motivation on self-loathing anymore, so I will just consider how much better I could look rather than how lame I appeared in that recording.
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[06 May 2007|06:21pm] |
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If I lose 1.5-2lbs a week from this weight on,
it will take me 9-12 months to reach a point
where I am actually thin.
“Starting tomorrow” did not exactly hold true. I have made some strides. On Saturday I worked out for half an hour. I plan to do the same later today. I have also been eating slightly better, but not well enough to lose weight. I just hope that I haven’t gained this week.
Eating wise, I have done well in the fact that I have not been buying bulk amounts of binge food. On Friday, I ordered my meal perq during work, did not order as much as I usually would have, and did not eat it all (part of the reason I ordered during work – so I wouldn’t have time to). It was still junk food, though. I feel like I’ve been in an episode of Super Size Me lately. I feel addicted to the grease and artery-clogging properties of the fast food that surrounds me at work (I work in a Dining Center), and even if I’m not triggered to binge, I still crave anything fried. Regular food, food from when I was being healthy before, is now hard to eat. It doesn’t taste right or good much of the time. I just need to stick to some healthier eating for a week and hopefully things will readjust themselves. I know that when I am eating well and go without fries and other fatty foods for some time, they lose a lot of their appeal.
I am reminded of what I wrote when I started this new effort at weight loss back in January: “willpower is like a muscle. It has to be trained and built up. You can't run the marathon on your first try.” I feel like the past month has been me, sitting in front of my computer and binging, while that muscle deteriorated. It is going to be difficult to build back up, especially since I went so all-out with the overeating these past weeks. When I began in January, I was at a mid-point in my binging. But this break in my efforts was much more extreme… so there is more habit to get away from. It was like being in high school all over again, but with about 10X more fast food.
I made myself a totally awesome fruit salad though, so I’m ready to try again. I decided to wait until Monday to really start again, since that is when my food journal is formatted for beginning, and I am a bit obsessive about beginning my efforts on at the start of things (months, weeks, years).
As fat and ashamed as I’ve been feeling lately, I also need to realize that I am still much smaller – over 15lbs in fact – than I had been when I started this. And when I started this, I was able to be carefree and unalientated much of the time, so why should I be now? It took me a long, long time to get to that point – gaining 5 lbs despite being even thinner than I was should not get in the way of that.
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[04 May 2007|12:05am] |
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# of lbs lost since Jan. 1st: 21.4
# gained since Jan. 1st: 5
Total loss: 16.6
During April, I lost a total of 1.4 lbs. That is pathetic. I have really gone off track this past month. After looking through some other weight loss journals and spending much of my afternoon revisiting the thinspiration communities of my starvation days, I have decided to take myself in a new direction. I want to be healthy. I want to get back to eating right and I want to start exercising again (something I have not done routinely for a couple of years now).
Starting tomorrow, I am getting back on track. I am going to use the treadmill for 30 mins every day. I hope to get a hold of my old step aerobics equipment sometime this month (if I cannot, I should just buy a new set - it is not worth it wait another 2-3 months). I will use that every other day. I had stopped using my food journal through out April. Since that turned out so poorly, I am going back to it. I think that I will continue to stay away from counting calories - it hurts too much emotionally. (Like on Sunday, when the treadmill claimed I'd burned 200 cals but my trusted caloriesperhour.com said I'd burned half that or less, crushing the cal. burning victory I'd earlier felt.) It also seems very time consuming, inaccurate (exercise wise), and difficult for my lifestyle.
I have been living in shame lately. My husband started working in April and I had to adjust to being left alone at times during the day and evenings. During earlier attempts at recovery, it had been hard not to fantasize about the 'perfect' binges I could have if there wasn't someone else in the house or if I didn't have a husband to live for. Apparently just having him out of site is enough to for me to go wild. I have been eating in secret - binging while he is at work. If he asked, I would tell him. But I pray that I finish before he comes home and that he doesn't want to know what I had for 'dinner.' I had also spent parts of this month publicly binging - in front of him, going out to buy binge food while he is at home, etc. I feel like this has alienated him from me in some way. I do not want this to get between us and I do not want to become something he could resent.
Binging just does not work for me anymore. Last night, I bought fast food (something I never used to do but have done almost every time I've been left alone this month), even though I didn't know if I really wanted it, even though I had a midterm to study for, even though I'm poor and can't really afford this habit, and it didn't do anything for me. I'm not even sure if I enjoyed the food at all, because I was eating it in that guilty rush, feeling deceitful, and feeling obligated to eat it all (whether or not I wanted to) and to hide the evidence. I physically felt like shit for most of the night. I think I got a C on this morning's midterm (!). Not to mention the other day when I felt like my stomach would literally burst as I was trying to make it home (from an after work binge).
I am ready to start over.
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[02 May 2007|09:50am] |
Well, despite how triggered I was in that last entry, nothing has come of it. Yesterday I had pizza, fries, and ice cream. Lots of ice cream. I am sick, so exercising and not binging (or at least not eating ice cream) is nearly impossible.
After weigh day, I am 5 lbs over my current low weight (current as in the lowest I have come since starting this effort in January... and sadly the lowest weight I've been at in a long time anyway). I guess it could be worse, but still.
I did buy that treadmill, though. And I actually used it - once. After I get over this cold (which will be soon, I think) I will get back to it and make it a daily requirement (I will also get back to eating better). I am going to New York this summer for a class. The class basically consists of travelling all over NYC all day. I cannot be this out of shape when that happens.
But I am scared. Exercising means gaining muscle. I am not trying to do this, but because I am so unfit, I imagine it's inevitable. However, I still have a lot of emotional ties to the scale. Seeing my weight go up or not go down enough when I am trying can be very discouraging and difficult. We'll see. I have to work off all of the money I spent on that thing.
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[27 Apr 2007|12:09am] |
I have had a bad week & 1/2... or more. Weigh day was terrible. The scale claimed that I gained 8 lbs in one week. That cannot be physically possible. I blame being bloated and still full from binging the night before. (My period and lack of for almost a week really fucked things up.) Afraid to weigh myself this Monday since it's already Thursday and I'm still not eating right. :/
I want to start working out again. I'm looking into buying a treadmill. Public work outs are not an option for me & I don't really have the time (or the weather most days) to go out to exercise. I need to stay in and study, which, at least I can do with treadmill. However, I'm poor. I'm not sure if it's going to be worth it to drop $300 on one. :/ But then again, if I do spend that much, I will have to use it... out of guilt, if nothing else. I also need a good aerobic video/routine. I used to have one, it was some 90's program that used a step platform, but it's on VHS (I only have a DVD player) and the equipment is at my mother's house (so who knows if I'd ever get it back). Anyway, I miss that sore muscle feeling. I'm so incredibly out of shape, too.
I used to measure how well I was doing by how much it hurt. Hunger pains? Check. Weak from fasting? Good. If I could feel my muscles rotting away, that was the best. Anything between bone and flesh was enemy.
Maybe this will be a healthier way to take care of that need.
Yesterday I bought a bunch of fruit and made a salad out of it... I sort of plan to live off of that and dry tuna on bread. This is not very healthy or satisfying, but I feel that it might be emotionally satisfying. I have been engaging in my ED very heavily recently, with the insane binging, and now I want to take it in another direction. I don't want to starve again or anything like that... but we'll see where this goes.
My husband is taking some health class now, so I don't think he's going to put up with my ridiculous junk food or binges much longer, anyway. (Despite not being very supportive of my desire to buy a treadmill.)
Auugh, I've got to admit that I do feel a bit triggered to starve. I want that feeling again - of success. We'll see what happens. I'm so fat and out of shape right now that I don't have to fast for the pounds to drop off. I really want to regain control of my life & not be so publicly reckless.
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[07 Apr 2007|03:23pm] |
I haven't been back on track for very long although I have lost a nice amount of weight :) (somehow). I am now 20lbs less than I was when I started trying to lose weight in January.
I want clothes shopping today. The shirts I'd bought earlier that were small now fit nicely. It feels really good finally being able to wear clothes that I like and that I feel are cute. But you know, there's always some evil person that puts size ones and threes in the Plus Size section. I try to not even look at the regular women's sizes - they're too cute and I'm too fat. And so of course, the ones I came across today were incredibly tiny and incredibly adorable. I wish I knew what my body would look like when I'm finally that size. It's tempting to buy them now (when else will this shirt be available?) but I know how futile that is. I don't want to say that I'll never lose that much weight, but I don't know for sure, and I don't need to spend money on something I can't wear for another 6-12 months... or ever, if I decide that I'm happy at a size 8, rather than going down to a 2.
I also stopped my counselling sessions (I had two in total). When I'm eating well, there's nothing to talk about. I was basically just told to pay more attention to my emotional states so that stress doesn't build up (the kind that leads to binges). You know, I think I needed more help knowing what to do with the stress rather than knowing it existed, but oh well. I'm excited to be losing weight and heading into this new/better part of my life (which is about much more than weight).
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[19 Mar 2007|12:43pm] |
So I gained 2 lbs this past week. I binged straight through the week... from Sunday (before last weigh day) to Sunday (yesterday). I am getting back on track today. It's not a good feeling. I really went all out in a way that I haven't in almost a year.
- how much money did I spend on food? how much gas and time?
- it's just not good practice as an environmentalist. 3 cartons of ice cream a week? boxes of pasta? driving my car more than I need to, using extra energy and resources to cook and clean
- most of that food is highly processed, practically artificial. what the hell does that do to my body? what kind of message am I sending as a consumer?
- physically left feeling like shit. eating should not hurt.
- it obviously didn't cure anything. a lot of that food didn't even taste that great. now I feel like like I've got to 'make up' for last week... that certainly doesn't promote stress-free, healthy eating ... in fact, it creates the kind of stress that makes me want to binge more
- what kind of message did I send to my husband? if i eat like shit, chances are he will too. i don't want to be responsible for degrading his health.
- there is no way to binge or "eat" like I want to without gaining large amounts of weight.
- it was a fantasy binge week ... and so what? did life feel any better? no. is that really how I want to live?
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[15 Mar 2007|10:30am] |
I lost a pound last week, despite binging for two days. One time was for purely emotional reasons, which, until that point, was something I hadn't done in some time.
On Monday I finally filled out the paper work and made an appointment to see a counsellor. So of course I felt like absolute shit and only wanted to cry and binge for the rest of the day. I have been binging since.
It feels like my body can't really handle it anymore. Like it just can't deal with and digest that much food. My stomach still feels shitty this morning, even though I have yet to eat today. I need to get back on track. I wanted this month to be my 20 lb mark.
It's hard, though. I know it isn't the answer but with all of the stressful shit I have right now, I keep questioning the value of a diet at this moment. Should I just let myself binge and mask everything? Or struggle against myself and add that to the list of reasons to feel shit/stressed?
This whole therapy thing feels like it's going to hurt me more than help me.
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[05 Mar 2007|09:49am] |
Lost .2 lbs this week. That's actually a pretty decent loss considering that I spent the entire week eating junk. I can't believe how long it's been since I've updated. I've reached a new and relatively unfamiliar bracket of digits, which, while it's only numbers, feel pretty significant. I hope that by the end of this month, my total loss will be 20+ lbs.
(And the rest is taken from my non-ed journal, since it sums up everything else I could say.)
This has been a bad week for me. I know that part of the reason is because I chose to do certain things that set me back and hurt me. I don't even know why I have these urges sometimes, especially when other things are okay (have things really been okay lately?). I think it's because I just want to feel good for once and unfortunately, my main source of pleasure is unhealthy and harmful.
I feel like my main motivation to get better has been feminism. Although my husband is a big factor, I need to feel like I'm good for something as an individual, from an internal source. Knowing that I can make difference in my community and (hopefully) the world has really helped motivate me. I can't achieve any of this if I keep killing myself.
I'm still ambiguous about going into counseling. It is free for the first few sessions and the rest are only $5. The woman who specializes in my problem recently gave a presentation in one of my classes about her work, and she seemed pretty good. However, I still feel like there's nothing they can do for me that I can't do for myself. I don't know how true this is... but every step towards getting better makes me feel like I'd have even less to say. If I can answer my own questions, why waste their time? I don't know. I am almost tempted to go just to see if they can help me get on track with my classes. I really need to do a better job there ... that's where 90% of my stress has come from this quarter/year.
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[19 Feb 2007|09:32am] |
1.6 lbs down this week. I now weigh 1-0.0 ... I'm about to enter digits I haven't seen in quite a while. Maybe a year. I wish it happened faster.
My academic life is kind of falling apart, and I know my attempts at recovery have something to do with it. It's a hard time. Even looking at recovery boards triggers me. I still have a lot of conflict about wanting to be the waif and then, as a feminist, not wanting to take the bullshit I've been fed about feminity and the perfect woman and swallow it. I want to be strong, confident, non-apologetic for my 'sex', not give into size-ism, not care if it threatens other people ... and at the same time, I want to be so small I disappear, externalized pain, weak and fragile looking, perfect in the way I look... that isn't my personality anymore, but I still struggle with self-destruction v. being a happy, contributing person. At least the latter has been winning out lately.
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[12 Feb 2007|09:26am] |
.6 lbs up from last week. I spent the entire week eating junk and even straight out binged from Thursday on through last night. I actually went to the store to buy the shit. Wasted our money. We're on the third container of ice cream this week.
I think this slip up did some good, at least. It reminded me that no, I cannot binge and stay at a stable weight. That binging makes me feel physicaly like shit and is incredibly time consuming. It's a waste of resources (so much for this month's budget) and it really hinders my ability to enjoy food. And maybe now I won't waste time craving the fries and shakes at work, becuase you know, they really aren't THAT great and they only set me back.
I wonder if my husband knew what was going on. I hate that I told him no, I don't want to eat out while we were running errands because I was trying to get it right, and then had my first real binge in quite some time that exact same night. I don't know. I'm sure he knew something was up.
I think I'm also going to introduce more rewards into the plan. I never did get those piercings... mainly because I'm so bad at taking care of myself. Hopefully I'll reach a point where I can do it. I know that this week I'll buy myself some sunglasses and a ring I've been looking at... as long as I do well.
While grocery shopping for my last binge yesterday, I found myself stuck behind a rather fat young woman. She pobably went to my college. She was dressed like a thin person. Her clothes fit her and she looked good in them. I envy people who can have that sort of experience while fat. Mine has gotten a little better - I no longer wear only a hoodie and jeans, trying to cover up. But then again... I ironically did that 50 lbs ago. How fucking much I wish I weighed that now. I guess it's about having money. If I had the $50 to throw away on a top from Torrid, I could probably look like her, too. Of course, if I were poor, this wouldn't matter... because once you're small, you can wear anything, at any price. I just hope that by the time I do have the money to spend $50 on every item in my closet, that I'm not this fat.
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[08 Feb 2007|11:10am] |
I've had 3 bowls of ice cream in the past two days. On Monday, I ate junk from Taco Bell. This hasn't been going very well. The urge to binge keeps coming back. It was easy before because I wasn't really having that urge...
I asked my husband what he does when he wants things like ice cream but he knows he isn't even hungry. He said he usually cures it with diet soda (something we coincidentily have not had in the house for the past 3 days, at least). I figure that's the answer. Honestly, what anorexic doesn't live on diet soda? I used to make whole meals out of it. I think it really does help curb those cravings for sweet things.
So, yeah, I'm going to stock up on that again and try my best to be good from today on out. The best thing is that at least I don't consider myself off of this diet yet. I used to just give up after a bad day and say I'd "start again" tomorrow... which pretty much gave me permission to binge for the rest of the night. My biggest hope is just that I don't gain from this. I know a big reason for the downfall is also being too damn lazy to cook. I used to enjoy it - I don't know why I've been so reluctant lately.
At least shirts and pants that didn't fit before do now. I hope I didn't ruin any of that over the past few days.
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[05 Feb 2007|10:52am] |
It's now the second week of the second month of this diet. I guess I've stuck to it better than most. I did eat out three times this past week - twice to Taco Bell and once at the Cheesecake Factory. Somehow, I lost 2.8 lbs anyway.
I've been really haunted by ED stuff lately. Feelings of worthlessness that I haven't experienced in quite a while have come flooding back and I can't stop fantasizing about the perfect ED life, which I could only live alone. I only seem to remember the good times. I've been monumentally stressed out about it. Last night I broke down crying about something else (but tied into these issues) and finally just told my husband what was going on. I even admitted that I'd lost some weight/been attempting to. I was really straight forward about it, which was good. I just didn't know how to bring it up to him before and I didn't even know if I should. I'm glad that he's still willing to put up with these issues. I think the talked helped a lot - and we'll see how this next week goes.
I think I am going to focus on not binging with the thought that he doesn't want me to. I can't stop for myself. That's how I quit purging - by promising him that I'd try to stop, and since he was part of the deal, he helped get me through most of the times I felt triggered to. It was really fucking hard to do but at least I could still binge. Giving up binging... well, what else do I have to hold onto now? This is going to be even harder. I didn't even start this diet with the intent to stop binging - only to stop long enough to lose enough weight. I even thought that maybe, once I got down to thin weight, I could fast and see how low I could go, etc. I didn't think about it much, though.
We also both agreed that distractions are really helpful. He thinks I shouldn't focus on it so much - I wish it were that easy. He wants me to stop writing things down, too (he knows I keep a food journal) but that's one thing I'm not willing to give up right now. I think it helps more than hurts. I have also just restarted an eating disorders awareness group on campus. We will have our first meeting this week... I hope it goes well and that the whole thing doesn't turn out to be wildly triggering. I am definitely not out to anyone but my husband about this ED and I really hope that involvement in the group doesn't get me questioned. Although being this fat is bound to keep more than a few people from even bothering.
Oh, also, a "friend" from work told me that he thought my husband only married me to get into the U.S. (he's an immigrant). He didn't think my husband was lying to me, but he honestly thought that we were "just friends" ... I know that if I were stereotypically hot, this would never have happened.
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[29 Jan 2007|11:41am] |
Spent last night crying about my weight again. I was just really hungry and my husband said he'd make dinner when we got home, but he didn't, and so like a selfish bastard I whined and complained until he did... and then spent the time he took to cook crying by myself because I felt like such a selfish shitface for bothering him and for being hungry (I don't fucking deserve food) and just overall for being such a fat worthless fuck....
I weighed myself this morning. I've only lost 1 pound this week... I didn't even stray from the diet. Maybe I ate a couple portions that were bigger than they should have been... but still? It's like my body has figured out what's going on and now it won't play along. It's not like I've been starving myself (although I can definitely tell you how triggered I've been to), so I don't see why it should be resistent. I guess part of it is just how lazy I am...
Hopefully this week will go better. Maybe I'll stop feeling so triggered and depressed.
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[23 Jan 2007|02:44pm] |
Weighed yesterday... lost 1.6 lbs. No surprise after the way I'd been eating this weekend. Went out to Taco Bell on Friday because my husband wanted to, ate junk food at work on Saturday because there were no healthy alternatives, said fuck it by Sunday evening and had some pizza and two enormous bowls of ice cream. I'm back on track now... I should have just skipped the meals rather than eat such junk.
Felt really good Monday morning knowing that I'd still been able to lose weight - was really afraid that I would have gained and my motivation would have been crushed.
Yesterday I stepped on my cat's toy. It was one of those little plastic balls wih a bell inside. I crushed it flat, of course. This is the second time I've done that. I started to cry... like last time. It's a big reminder of what a fat fuck I am.
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[15 Jan 2007|10:13am] |
Short update: Weigh day; lost another 3.2 lbs. Almost 8lbs gone over the past two weeks... Unfortunately, my current weight is now the number at which I stopped weighing a while ago. When I looked at the scale this morning, the digits were so familiar that I wasn't sure if I'd lost anything.
Will stick with this loose way of eating for this week. Once the 3rd week is over, it should be a habit (takes 21 days). After that, I'll probably get a bit more strict and start measuring things, serving sizes and the like. Still wary of calories. Should have between 1100-1210 to reach my current ultimate goal weight. I used to under eat so much when paying attention to them... and it can suck if you realize that you have an extra 500 calories to spend. Don't want to feel motivated or pushed to eat when I'm not hungry, etc. But I guess if I make my calorie intake based on my goal weight... then there probably won't ever be that problem. I cook most of the stuff I make anyway... don't think any of them really come with a calorie chart.
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[14 Jan 2007|11:36am] |
Kind of afraid of weigh-day... I haven't really been eating any differently than last week, but I'm getting more used to it. Which makes it feel like I'm putting less effort into it... and you know what slacking off does to diets. At least I only feel like that's what I've been up to. However, I know my body is also probably getting more used to it, so I imagine I won't lose as much weight this week as I did last... meh.
Went clothes shopping the other day. Bought things smaller than I am right now but still in the plus sizes. I used to buy things for my 'ideal' weight. I have never worn most of those. They were not at all realistic and unfortunately did little to motivate me. I always felt kind of bad buying things in my real size because I'm so huge and I just shouldn't be. So to buy something in my size is to say that I plan on staying this way for a while... but I've come to realize that it just can't work that way. Again, it's unrealistic. Just because I buy 'fat clothes' doesn't mean I'm resigning myself to being fat. Especially when I'm no longer starving and fasting... losing weight will be a much slower process now. I'm going to need them for a while...
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howtokillmyself's journal